My life and my lifestyle are very, very different from what they were four years ago. In every way imaginable. Everything, from a (supposedly) secure financial situation, to a well planned and much anticipated rosy trip down the garden path to our golden years...all changed in an instant.
I can see clearly many blessings that have come along the way as time has passed. It's just that it is not what I thought my life was going to look like. (Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him anymore. No, not at all. I know I am far better off now, in every way. It's the concept of having a partner that I miss.) I miss the part of being...half of a pair. A two-some. I am far more comfortable as someone's better half than being a whole me, flying solo. It's just how I was made, I think.
I know a large portion of you are married folk. Half of a couple. Hopefully half of a very happy couple.
Would you like to know what daily minute I really miss most about being married? What I miss about not being part of a couple? It's waking up in the morning and rolling over to see the other side of the bed.
Where a perfectly content, happy (or so I thought) sleeping man used to be is now an assorted pile of white pillows in shams, (usually with my laptop balanced precariously on top) kind of lined up down the bed to roughly resemble the shape and feeling of something...of someone being there. Someone to smile a sleepy smile at, to snuggle deep in the covers with for just five more minutes, to whisper good morning, and I love you to.
I go along fine for stretches of time, busy with life, and I don't think about it much. I don't let myself think about it. I try to jump out if bed the minute my eyes open. I attempt to keep focused on the tasks at hand..earning a living in my newest hodge-podgy sort of way, keeping up with housework, and daily life stuff. I feel proud of myself. I am fine, I think. I am tough. Then, out of the blue, that giant-lump-of-lonely feeling reappears.
Always in the morning.
And I lie there, and try to retrace my steps backwards...slowly...to exactly how...I got here...from there. Only I don't really know how. It simply is so. And I sometimes worry that this little piece of early morning emptiness in my soul will be with me always.
