So many lessons to be learned, and I tend to learn most of them the hard way. I think I discovered what I'm lesson I'm supposed to be working on during this latest tribulation.
Oh, I thought I had learned this lesson already. I thought I just felt pity, with a dash of disgust, but I realized that there was still a good bit of anger in there, and a drop or two of spitefulness, all held together with a holier-than-thou air about myself. (I'm embarrassed to share that actually, but there we have it.)
In the midst of all the drama that has unfolded in my little world in the past 6 days, I see now that I was completely stuck on the "how-dare-this-guy-keep-messing-up-my-life-every-time-I-think-I-might-get- ahead-of-this-mess-he-created" only to see very clearly now that I am already ahead of the mess. More financial challenges, yes. But I have what matters. My faith, my family, my friends. (those precious grand babies on the way!)
He, on the other hand, is an impostor, having traded his life with his children and I for a life of material things, and what he thought looked like fast rewards. He surrounds himself with like minded people so he doesn't have to defend his actions.
Does he think it was worth it? Was she worth it? I don't know for sure, but I don't really think so. I know his choices haunt him in the fleeting moments of realization at what he has done, because when these moments occur, he calls and leaves sobbing, nearly inaudible, inconsolable messages on my cell phone. This breaks my heart into two million pieces. Today, when this happened again, it hit me. I understand now just who he is.
He is a lost soul.
Surely there is nothing sadder than that. I clearly see now that it is about forgiveness. I will never understand any of the "why's" of all that has happened in the past years, but I now see that it doesn't matter. What matters is that I forgive him.
For him. For me.
