I love sharing my decorating and lifestyle ideas with all of you. I sincerely treasure all the comments and emails I receive. I try to be positive, and truly, most days I am completely focused on whatever is good, whatever is right, whatever is just, but some days...some days life is just...so...hard.
Let me start off by saying that my suddenly single-ness wasn't one of those oh, let's-be-friends-and-I-really-still-care-what-happens-to-you kind of splits. I thought I was "happily" married one minute, and found myself suddenly single the next. Literally. Oh, he was still part of a perfectly matched pair, just not with me. (Admittedly, looking back, I foolishly missed more than a few red flags, aparently nine years worth of red flags, according to what he finally shared with me. Dear God, I did live in a June Cleaver fantasy world.) As this past year unfolded, more promises were broken, and many more lies were told. I found out far too many things far too late in the game, so here I am, one year and one month later, doing my darndest to keep my head above water, mentally, spiritually and financially. I hadn't spoken to him in months, using lawyers instead to communicate since only one of us was playing by the rules.
Over this past year I have often wondered (and worried) about what I would do if I came upon him out in public, or even worse, them, out and about, and I knew it would happen at some point. I mean, it's not called the Biggest little city for nothing. We may be nearing a half a million in population for the county area, but it can be a very small town.
Yesterday I was coming out of the office supply after work and there he was, walking towards the office supply...and me. Funny how you can recognize a person from from far away by their walk. I guess after 29 years it's not all that surprising.
My daughter told me months ago, when he first left us, that God wouldn't let me bump into him until I was ready to handle it. I'm not so sure that's true, and after yesterday, I don't think that day will ever come, when I can really "handle" it.
I can't describe it really, it was like I was thinking in slow motion. So much I wanted to say to him, to tell him, but none of it came out right. He wouldn't get it anyway, that even though he has continued without missing a beat, (or a public party event) some of us are struggling to think outside the box and make ends meet while we finish paying for weddings, and legal bills. I didn't tell him that part of me will always be defective now, a bit weird and "off" inside, that I still don't sleep at night, that a small piece on the really soft spot of my heart is broken to a million pieces and cannot be repaired, and that I fear I will forever wonder what was missing in me that made me so undesirable.
Instead, I asked a few pointed questions and he made another hollow promise about money that he won't keep. (Why did I even talk to him? ) He left to return to his big fine new house with his new life complete with sound system and widescreen TV, and everything else that really isn't important in life. I drove home, naming aloud through my tears, the entire way home, each and every blessing I have to be so very thankful for.