29 years and 78 days

I wasn't expecting it. I mean, not yesterday.

     Of course I knew it was coming, and I wanted it to be over, to be final, so I could move on the way he did the day he left me late last September, without so much as a note of explanation, just a half empty closet and three one hundred dollar bills on the kitchen counter.
     Realizing that the person who promised to be faithful, to love and cherish me all the days of my life, doesn't, is a pretty hard pill to swallow. All of that history; celebrating anniversaries, new babies, and graduations has a profoundly sad feel to it, looking back. Wondering when the exact moment was that he stopped loving us, or if in fact, he ever did.
     I thought yesterday was just another 'waste some time and money" appointment, but when we were finally done, after nearly three hours, it was officially over.
     I had tried many times to imagine what this day would be like, but never could quite picture it. I thought I'd be relieved, but instead, my heart broke into a million pieces all. over. again.
    I feel so lost. What do I do now?  Even after all these months, I still do not know where, or how to go on from here.
     August 14, 2007, I became legally divorced. 
I sure didn't see that coming a year ago.

Comments

[marsha]

You may not know HOW to go from here BUT you are DOING it! And inspiring so many of us out here in blog world with your amazing attitude and creative talent. I think you are brave. I can only imagine where you will be come August 14, 2008!!

[Heartartz]

What do you do from here?.......
You are making a beautiful life for yourself. Keep on doing that one day at a time.
I am sending you loving thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Gail

[Cindy]

You are surrounded by your family and friends. Don't feel alone because you're not. It's his loss. You are living an incredible life right now.

[Mrs G]

...a prayer said for your heart's healing...(((Hug)))

[Sheri]

it SUCKS. plain and simple. I've tried to find other words to express it, as it isn't the most eloquent expression. You're doing great, and you know what, you're smart to grieve the loss now, and feel all of that anger, sadness, pain and then wrap it up. Put a freakin' martha stewart bow on it if need be and then finally kiss it off - i mean goodbye :-) You have a great family, great home - keep moving forward, one day at a time. You have things to DO, experience, live - go do it!!

[Gill]

My heart goes out to you. I can only say take each day at a time, you're doing fine. You have a good life, and a good future ahead. Life's c**p sometimes but you get through it. Hugs.
G

[SusanG]

One step at a time...hang in there. I know they are cliches - but there's no other way. Best wishes that this will get easier for you soon!!

[Debi]

I am so sorry for your deep, deep hurt. I'll pray for you!
Debi

[Crystal]

I am so sorry Tracey, I wish I had some magic words to help you feel better, please know I am praying for you. And this is the first day of the rest of your wonderful life. Your such a inspiring person!
crystalx

[Junk 2 Jewels]

Big hugs and lots of prayer to you today! Tracy

[Becca]

This has refreshed all those feelings for you, brought them right back to the surface again, the wound feels renewed. But I truly honestly believe that this hurt will heal more quickly..... I don't think this heaviness will last long; it's a temporary setback, albeit a very natural one.
YOU ARE DOING GREAT.
:)

[Lorrie]

Tears sprang to my eyes as I read your aching honest words. You are an amazing woman. Lousy behavior in the present doesn't negate the good in the past. Remember the good times, but don't cling to them. God has great plans for you.

[Lisa]

Reading your comments is like reliving my parent's divorce and my Mom's heartbreak all over again. Trust me, you are completely normal and the one who just "moves on" is the one who isn't normal. You will heal and it takes time. It does suck, and holidays and other times will be very difficult, but you will get through. You will. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs!

[ShabbyGrace]

I agree... it sucks! Do your grieving as you need to. But know that when you are ready, you already have your foot in the door of your new life and it is off to a marvelous start! Hugs and prayers to you! Amy

[June]

It's a terrible thing, that's for sure. It took me forever after my divorce to dust myself off and start again. My world during that time was full of pain and confusion and there is no bandaid that will fix that. Now I'm happy and my life is truly better than before. I wish there was something I could do to help you but I do know I can keep you in my thoughts as you get through this hard time.

[Vanessa]

I don't know you, but I have been enjoying your blog for a while now. I am sorry for your hurt. My mom is going through the same thing right now. Dad decided to leave after 37 years. I fail to have the words to say. It just hurts and I am sorry.

[Gail]

Hang in there Teresa! you've come this far and done so much on your own...you are amazing! I don't know if I could of done what you have... Love the ones your with!

[Rosemary]

Tracey,
No magic potions, no words, nothing we can say will make it instantly better. All you can do, is what you have been doing.
I don't understand it either.
I know if it happened to me, I wouldn't know what to do?? You are a great person!!!
Do the best that you can, one day at a time.
Your friend,
Rosemary

[Carol]

Tracey, you are an amazing woman! You were dealt a crappy hand last September and you have done wonders with that hand, you have MORE than dealt with it! It is so hard, it was even hard on me and I was the one that filed for divorce. It 's just hard to say good bye to that part of your life.But sometimes we have to. But we all love and respect you here in cyber land!
Your friend, Carol

[Kathy]

Oh Tracey I'm so sorry your going through this. I went through a very nasty divorce years ago. My emotions were so mixed I wasn't really even able to talk about it. Years later I remarried a wonderful guy who was willing to put up with my defenses after going through a divorce, where as you say, this person was supposed to love you forever. I'd hate to see what an enemy would do. I'm so past those awful feelings but I do remember them well. What helped me was I focused on each day thinking about the future was just too depressing and overwhelming. There's so many things in life that can't be understood. You can't make logic out of illogical. Wow $300.00 what a big shot. OK my cynical side is starting to show..sorry.
Your in my prayers and thoughts.
Best,
Kathy

[Sheryl from Michigan]

Tracey, you have no choice, "but to go on from here." You are a surviver. Life isn't fair sometimes and men are rotten sometimes, but God is faithful at all times. Draw your strength from Him during this time. Get in His word - you will find comfort. I like reading Psalms during times of trials in my life.
Don't let your ex-husband pull you down. He chose to throw you away like a kleenex. He was wrong. He should have communicated way sooner if he had issues with the marriage - what a whimp. Just walk out and leave you $100 for each of the 10 years you gave to him. Someday you will probably take comfort when he realizes he was wrong - then it will be too late - because you will have moved on!! I'm lifting you up in prayer sister!! . . . "this too shall pass."

[Cin]

I'm not really sure I can add to what the other ladies here have already said, except that you've got a lot of women in your cheering section, myself included. That's why I keep coming back!

I went a-visiting in your archives today, searching for a particular post I'd seen about words to live by. And there it was: "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself". I'm starting a new journal tonight, and that's going on the first page.

[PresentPast Collection]

Big Hugs, prayers and thoughts for a very special lady with charm,grace and talent. May you carry on with the beautiful life of possibilities ahead of you!

Quote from a ME Home Companion magazine:
Don't look back, you're not going that way!

Smiles,
Heather

[cindy]

You deserve a man who truly appreciates all the wonderful things you do. If that wasn't the man then it's probably good he's gone...his loss! He will be in for a rude awakening after dating the women out there(the grass isn't really greener on the other side. You are an amazing woman who makes a house a home and from what I can tell you are a wonderful mother too. You will find someone who really thinks everything about you is wonderful and appreciates all the little things you do! You are too great a person to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you! And, yes, I can tell this about you just from reading your blog!

[Debbie , Winston GA]

Tracey - I read your blog every day. You don't know me, but I feel that I know you. My husband of 25 years died suddenly this past January. I know how it feels to have your heart break, and mine goes out to yours. I pray for your healing. God will heal you in time. i also pray for your journey. You sound like a wonderful, sweet woman that anyone would be proud to call friend.

[Kathleen Grace]

Tracey, you are remembered in my prayers. Your life is important just as it is. You are not alone.

[sharon Grant]

One Day you will wake up some beautiful morning an you will be free of pain. you just waite an see Love ya Tracy

[Mecky]

((((Tracey)))))

[Cinn]

August 14 was a yucky day for you.

So celebrate August 15th, 2007! The first day of the rest (and best!) of your life.

The Lord promises us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). {{HUGS}}

[gretchen]

Reading your post, my heart broke into a million pieces for you. I'll keep you close in my heart.

[Conni]

Oh Tracy, I know those emotions very well. My divorce was 5 years ago after 26 years of marriage. And no, I didn't want it at the time, but now I can't imagine still being in that miserable place. That's not to say that I miss certain parts of being married... I always will. But you will find, I believe, that you now you are free to find happiness on your own terms. I'm not saying this very well.... It will take time, but you will heal.I'll be thinking of you.

[Linda]

Since I've been through the exact thing as you at the same time in my life and in the same way (one day packed the car up and left), I know what you are going through. Even though you knew it was coming, when it actually is official, it is a shock. All of those years of togetherness and now being alone. It will take some time. I still am sad but I just take it one day at a time.
I am saying prayers for you.

[missy]

Tracey, I am so sorry for your hurting heart. Please know that you have so many people thinking of you. This is one of those times that it is so hard to be a blogging friend, because you want to be able to give your friend a hug and "just be there". That's really all we can do. Even though many of us, me included, have been through a divorce, it is different for everyone. I can say I know how you feel, but I really don't. My situation was different. Everyone's is different. We just have to remember to stick together. Through your writings here it really seems like you understand that this is a new beginning. The only true advice I can offer is to look at this as a new adventure, and try your best to close that chapter of your life. Make the best of what you have been dealt. Life is way too short to spend it in ways that would be easy, like simply sitting back and feeling sorry for ourselves. Wow, I wish I had all the time back that I spent doing that!! Hang in there....

[pam]

My thoughts are with you. Tomorrow is going to be a much better day!

[Joy For the Journey]

Tracey - I knew that you were rebuilding your life, but I had no idea how recent everything was. Thank you so much for sharing your courage and fears on your journey - you are an inspiration for so many women! I doesn't seem like it now, but this too shall pass :( It WILL be ok. There is joy to come.
Sarah

[Heather]

Every day gets a tiny bit easier. I Know. I've been there.

[Elise]

Oh Tracey...big hugs coming your way. Can you feel them? I am so sad for you right now. I can barely remember my parents being married and I totally understand why they divorced, but I am sure it is never easy, regardless of the circumstances. I am praying for you that God would send His comfort, the only real comfort one can have.
Keep beautiful. Elise

[Robin~Thrifty Miss Priss]

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life".
My heart breaks for you! A very dear friend of mine went through the same thing after 23 years. It blindsided her as well. It's been exactly two years and she has finally moved on. You will too.

[Adrienne]

Tracey -
My heart just broke for you when I read your post. I am so sad for your pain and loss. You are a strong lady - you will make it and one day realize you are breathing again. Just take it one step at a time! I am praying for your and sending you hugs.
~Adrienne~

[Jill]

Well, go out and paint more furniture. Or arrange some vintage things in a new spot. Before you know it you'll be feeling your creative and gracious self again, because that's who you really are. Every one of these commenters is pulling for you, so hang in there and trust God to carry you through this new, wide-open door - who knows what exciting things you'll find on the other side!

[Elaine]

Tracey,
Any type of loss is difficult even when we think we are prepared. When the day arrives it is hard, but then it gets easier as each day passes.

From what you have posted, in the past, you strike me as the type of person who will spend their day grieving and then move forward, tomorrow. You are definitely a strong person.

Take the time to become comfortable with yourself as a single, independent and confident woman. You have so much to look forward to, with your children and friends. I bet when you're not even looking, someone special will come into your life at the right moment.

God Bless You and May You feel at Peace, Tomorrow.

~elaine~

[Seaside*Cottage]

One thing I have learned from broken heart... Divorce is never easy, even if you're only "friends" now, it's the comfort thing. Moving on can be sad, but at the same time exiting....I've found the thing is..The next love is always better than the last one. Maybe because of lessons learned, maybe because new love is so much fun...When the time comes (and it will for you because you are such a lovely gal)...it will be great fun and you will ENJOY! So embrace your new single life and wait for surprises to come. Trust me it gets better and better...

[Mockingbird Hill]

The sweetest music ever heard, The sweetest perfume ever stirred, Cannot compare with this dear word: The simple, sweet "God Bless You." anonymous

Be good to yourself...Cassie

[Sonja]

Dear Tracey,

I found your blog two weeks ago and have read every word that you have typed over and over again. Although we will probably never meet, I think the world of you. When I read todays' blog I surprised myself at how much it made me cry and how many memories it brought back of my own divorce. He also said he no longer loved me but it was because he was in love with someone else. That was 19 years ago. I am remarried and can't imagine what my life would have been like if I were still married to him! You will start feeling better when you least expect it. You have so much to offer! My love and prayers go out to you.
Sonja

[Lucinda]

I am so sorry that life has dealt you this hand...it does suck. Give yourself a few days to cry and feel bad and then dust yourself off and try to put one foot in front of the other. I have great faith in you!

[Jenny H]

:-(

[Kris]

You do the only thing you CAN do and lay it all at Jesus' feet and take one day at a time. Cry when you hurt, laugh when you are happy, ache when you miss what was....and ask Jesus to carry you through each and every moment of each and every day. You WILL keep moving forward and keep healing. {{HUGS}}

[Dawn]

Tracey~
My heart was saddened when I read this.
I hope you are strengthened by the words of so many in response to this post....so many wise and loving words...

xox

[janet]

There is really nothing to add to the comments of all your friends. They have all expressed what I have also been through, but you are STRONG and you will happy again. Keep smiling thru the tears.

Janet

[lisa]

I feel for you...my 26 year old is going thru the same pain right now. Her "final" day is August 21st This is not an unfamiliar territory for me either. But it hurts worse watching my daughter go thru it. She has good days and bad days. And I try to support her the best way I can. My heart goes out to you. You will get thru it. Fondly, Lisa P.S her friends are throwing her a "divorce" party in Las Vegas the same week. There's an idea! :)